Once upon a time, I was alive. And then I died. Great story, I know. But that isn’t all of it. I died, but I didn’t stay dead. At least, not exactly. I’m not like an undead creature, like a vampire who technically died but is still wandering around, giving people some massive hickeys and getting the world’s worst sunburns whenever they step out during the day. No, I’m a different kind of dead and came back to life sort of person. I didn’t come back as something else, I just came back. No blood drinking or bursting into flames, shove a wooden steak through my heart and guess what, I’m still kicking. It’s great, let me tell you. I just don’t die. I got buried twice before they decided to stop wasting the money on funerals. Because even when I was buried, I just had to get dug back up. Fun stuff, right? Not really. But that’s a different story for a different time.
Incase you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a zombie. You know, the stiff arms and legs, moaning about brains or some nonsense like that. Rotting flesh and a desperate need of some concealer and a spray tan. The not as sexy as Edward Cullen kind of undead creature in other words. Although I wish I sparkled in the sunlight, that would be pretty epic. But I don’t burst into flame either so I guess that’s something to be happy for.
I do get kind of sweaty though, but that’s not something we need to talk about right now. I’m pretty sure that’s just a normal human reaction to heat. Even without a beating heart and full use of my motor skills that I used to have, I’m still human. Kind of.
I’m sure you’re thinking, I know all about zombies, I love “Walking Dead” and it’s such an awesome show. Blah blah blah. Did you know that zombie movies are some of the oldest movies around? Yeah. The first technical zombie movie was released in 1931, directed by Victor Halperin. That movie was “White Zombie.” Some people claim there are older ones though. The original “Frankenstein” movie came out in 1910 and it is about a reanimated corpse. If you couldn’t call Frankenstein’s monster a zombie, I don’t know what you think the definition of a zombie is. By the way, it’s a good movie, even if it is in black and white. But it’s old so I guess I can forgive it for not being with the times. Also, for those of you who don’t know, it’s based off of the book by Mary Shelley, a pretty awesome lady.
So as you can see, we zombies aren’t new. We might not be as relevant as Lady Gaga or Jersey Shore, but we’ve been around longer and we’ll probably be around after all those things get boring. Which was pretty much yesterday. Just saying. Dead or not, I do keep up with my pop culture. Some of the obsessions are just a little weird, that’s all. Even Jesus, when you think about it, not to be all religious or anything, is like a zombie in a way. He died, and then he rose from the grave and lived again. Ringing any bells? It’s just a theory mind you, and I’m not bringing it up with my preacher any time soon, but I’m just putting it out there.
Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. You can just call me Z. And I’ll call you, you. Now that we’ve all been introduced, I feel pretty good about this. Feels more, I don’t know, kind of cozy and informal, like we’re buddies or something. I bet you started reading this thinking I was just going to talk about brains and eating brains and biting people for their brains and chasing them down, but I didn’t, at least not too much, but now that you mention it I am a little hungry… Don’t worry though, I’m going to share some survival tips with you. I’m a reformed zombie, like a vegetarian or something. I don’t eat people. It’s been a whole 5 hours since I slipped off the wagon and my sponsor was really proud of me at our meeting about 6 hours ago. By the way, I’m looking for a new sponsor. Just a side note. And we’ll discuss all things zombie. Because we zombies are pretty cool.
Well, that’s all for now folks. Take care and try not to get bit. Unless you want to be a zombie of course.