Zombie Finally Got Hired

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Guess what diary, this zombie got a job! Yeah, that’s right, a job. Like something that pays me money to do stuff. And it’s awesome. Because now I will be making money and that means I can go shopping because a certain zombie wants some new shoes.

Dr. S is super proud of me as well. Said that this shows I’m making massive steps in becoming more social and all that jazz. Because I got a job. Yeah, I just can’t stop saying that. I mean, seriously, I didn’t think it would happen because sometimes people kind of suck but still. A job is what I have now. Oh yeah.

So what is my job? Well, it’s not super glamorous, I’ll give you that. I’m going to be taking tickets at the movie theater by my house. I’ve been told I get other perks as well though besides that making money thing. I get free tickets to movies and one free snack every shift. Free popcorn or candy. Not a bad gig. And free movies. Plus money, of course.zombie in money

Also, there are lots people around my age that work there. Which is cool as well. Hopefully I’ll be able to make some friends and stuff. Maybe meet some cute boys or something, who knows.

I’m just so excited to finally have found a job. I only applied at like a million places or something. And this one is pretty easy I think. It doesn’t seem too terribly labor intensive or anything. The only bad part will be standing on my feet for so long but that’s okay. I don’t have to worry about circulation issues or anything in my legs. Haha. I guess that’s a perk of being dead.

As soon as I get my first pay check, there is this adorable pair of heels that I’m going to be buying from the mall. It’s going to be a long two weeks. I can’t wait though. Working in a movie theater, that kind of makes me like a normal young adult, does it not? I think it’s a common job for someone around my age. Money! I’m going to go make plans of what to invest my new money in, don’t get bit.

Z

Zombie Flirting, It’s An Art Form

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In case you wanted to know, I think flirting is kind of hard. Why is it hard you ask. I’ll tell you why. It’s because everyone seems to think that flirting is something slightly different. Or they do it differently or respond in a different way. Why must it be so difficult? In grade school, if you throw rocks at a kid’s head on the playground or put glue in their hair in class, you like them. When you call them names, it’s not because you don’t like their booger breath, it’s because you think they’re kind of cute. See, little kids are totally on the right track with this. You like someone, throw a rock at them. Then you both know what’s up. Unless you are a bully. I guess that’s the only pitfall there, because sometimes you could think that it’s flirting and instead it’s just bullying I guess. But I feel like adults should just follow that example. Instead of whatever the heck it is they do now.

Oh, I totally forgot about those notes kids would pass, “Do you like me, check yes or no.” Dating was so simple as a child, am I right?confused zombie

Anyways, zombie flirting is a little different I think. At least from that of the normal people’s type of flirting. But I feel like we are more obvious about our flirting. We don’t try and play coy or anything. If we’re flirting with us, you’ll know.

1. If a zombie says, “I want your brains” they don’t mean they want to eat your brains. They mean they like your brains and think you’re cute. Or that they think you’d taste good. Which is totally a compliment coming from someone who eats people.

2. If a zombie leaves a hand or finger or an ear or something behind with you, they like you.  This is just a way of giving themselves an excuse to have to come and see you again or talk to you again. Like in a bar and they accidently drop an eye on the bar beside you and walk off, and then have to come back because they “forgot” it. It just means they wanted to strike up a conversation. Duh.

3. If a zombie sniffs you a lot, that means they like the way you smell. Which is a good thing. They’re into you if you get sniffed more than twice. It might not be extremely obvious sniffing, like it would be pretty creepy if some guy came up and stuck his nose in your hair or something, but still… You’ll probably notice.

4. If a zombie growls at you, that means they think you’re hot. It’s really simple. Some of us walking dead kids aren’t the greatest at speaking so a little growl works. Moaning and drooling is a bad sign that means you’re probably next on the menu. A growl is like the equivalent of “Hey, what’s up? Can I get your number or buy you a drink?” That sort of thing.

zombie coupleSee, zombie flirting is a simple art that I think you can figure out pretty easily. It’s you non zombie types that I can’t ever quite get a handle on. I say we should just reinstate the check yes or no notes for dating. Life and dating would be way easier that way. Think about it and don’t get bit.

Z

Zombie Cheerleaders, Reasons Why I Think Not

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Now don’t get me wrong here, I am all for zombie equality, equal rights and whatever. So that’s not what I’m saying. Just not cheerleaders. No.

pompoms and mega horn

Photo by onelifeonelegacy.blogspot.com

Let me back up a second. So Dr. Smiley still doesn’t think I’m social enough or whatever. So he decided he was going to suggest all of these stupid activities I could join. Or at least try to join so I could be more involved and whatever. Like I really need to do that. Idiot. Anyways, at the very top of his list, was join a cheerleading team. Like, hello? Have you ever met me? Do I seem to be the cheerleader type to you? I don’t think so. But whatever. Apparently Dr. S assumed my protesting was because I didn’t think people would like a zombie cheerleader. Honestly, I have no idea. They might be into it for all I know, but I for one, am not.

Just to show him why, I wrote a list of reasons zombies should not be cheerleaders.

Zombies do not make good cheerleaders because:

1. Lack of flexibility

2. If something breaks, it stays brokenzombie cheerleaders

3. Not very peppy

4. Growling does not sound like cheering, it just sounds like growling maybe with a little moaning mixed in

5. Cheerleaders are supposed to be attractive and I’m not saying zombies are ugly but they aren’t always pretty

6. They can get hungry and eat the team

7. Or the fans

8. Or the other cheerleaders

9. Not very aerodynamic so not good for throwing into the air

10. Also probably not good at catching people

11. Or at throwing them into the air

Cheerleader spelling KILL

Photo by tumblr.com

I have never understood the interest in being a cheerleader anyways, to be perfectly honest. I don’t know, maybe I just never got the whole cheering thing in general. I mean, guys cheer at sporting events but they don’t do it in skirts that are too short and do choreographed movements with their backs to the team.

But I digress. I’m just stating my humble opinion. I guess if you really feel the need to be a dead cheerleader, who am I to stop you from doing something with the rest of your undead life. Go for it I guess. Give me a Z! And don’t get bit.

Z

My Shrink Found Me A New Friend – No That Doesn’t Make Me A Loser

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I had another appointment today with Dr. Smiley. Weird man, truly. Although his patchy facial hair and lazy eye are starting to slowly, and by that I mean like monumentally slowly, grow on me. Like at the pace of a paralyzed snail trying to get up the Great Wall of China. I’m guessing that would be a really slow journey, I guess I could always test it and find out.

I wonder how people in China feel about zombies. Do you think they’d like me? I’m pretty charming. And I wouldn’t eat anyone. I promise. I’ve doing really good about that. I mean, I did almost bite the guy at the grocery the other day, but he was working as a butcher and there was a lot of blood around so it was all very odd, and he was staring at me. Just plain rude.zombie boy

Sometimes, I really detest going to the store because I feel like every time I go they’ve moved everything around so I can’t find anything. Dumb grocery stores. And I always get the cart with either a squeaky wheel or a busted wheel so it’s constantly listing to one side or the other. Maybe all of the carts are like that at every store and I’ve just always thought I had bad luck at picking carts.

Oh, right, I forgot why I was writing this in the first place. Dr. Smiley, ludicrous man that he is, says he has met another zombie. Pretty cool, right? A guy, just a couple of years younger than me. Apparently, he’s pretty new to the being dead deal so he isn’t all that together just yet. But he said he hasn’t been eating people, so that’s cool. Maybe we can hang out then. I mean, it would be a total bummer if we went to the mall or movies or something and he just went all “Brrrraaaiiinnnnssss” and started eating everyone. I mean, seriously, that would make me look really bad. Besides, I’d be worried he might eat my cat. Or my sister. Both of those are kind of important things I don’t want to be eaten. As tempting as it sounds sometimes when one of them is bugging me. But no, no eating family members. It’s a big rule of mine.

Of course, I’m a little skeptical about the whole thing because it sounds a lot like the stupid blind date mess I got into with my great aunt’s friend’s grandson, the Great Loser Who Shall Not be Named, mostly because I honestly forgot it. Not a big loss as far as I’m concerned though.

But I’m pretty sure your shrink isn’t allowed to try and do sneaky things like that. Besides, it would be nice to have another zombie to hang out with. We can talk about zombie things. Like… Well I’m not sure but I’ll think of something to talk about I’m sure.

What should two zombies talk about? Let me know what you think. Until next time, don’t get bit.

Z

Blind Dates Gone Bad and Cheap

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Seriously, worst blind date ever. I mean, I’m not even kidding about this. First of all, recent college graduate? The man was in his early forties, I don’t remember exactly how old. So maybe in the past few decades he was a recent college graduate, sure. I might be dead, but I’m not desperate. That’s for sure.

bad date

Photo by oldsweetsong.com

Second, besides just being way too old. He was balding and pretty gray, which just added to the whole feeling like I was dating my dad sort of feel going on there. I mean, awkward.

bugs in salad

Photo by pamelaho.wordpress.com

Also, just to add to his oldness and parental feel of the whole ordeal, he ordered for me. Even though I tried to order for myself, but he decided I should have a salad, which he ordered for me and a glass of some fancy but pretty bitter and gross red wine. I don’t remember the name of that either. In case you were wondering, I’ve decided to block out a lot of the date.

Really though, not letting me order for myself is just rude and kind of weird. Besides, why a salad? I’m dead, my diet isn’t really a big worry as far as I’m concerned. I should have just eaten him. What a weirdo. Ugh… And, he smelled really bizarre. Like, I get that I’m dead and stuff, but at least I don’t stink. I think he bathed in a bottle of some drug store cologne, he really went all out for this, I’m sure. One of his shoes had a hole in it too. Like I wouldn’t notice his mismatched sock sticking out? Hello, I have eyes.

bad date

Photo by inthecapital.streetwise.co

If he were blind maybe he’d have had an excuse. But he wasn’t, at least I’m pretty sure he wasn’t. The way he stared at each and every waitress that walked past the table. So rude, again. Like I wasn’t sitting there, wearing a cute new dress and I even did my make up and hair. Not that I wanted the old dude to be into me, I just figured he didn’t need to be so blatantly open about the whole thing.

After we finished dinner, and paid the check, fifty/fifty by the way, he didn’t leave a tip. At all. Not even a penny. Like, what the heck is wrong with this dude? Seriously. But whatever. I left after dinner, thankfully he wasn’t in the mood for a movie. Although he did have the audacity to ask for a second date, as if I enjoyed the first one? There was no conversation even. He just talked the whole time about his pet hamster, seriously. A hamster. What sort of adult man keeps a hamster? It’s weird.

Goodnight, diary. Don’t get bit.

-Z

Dead Girl’s Got a Blind Date, But I Think He Still Has Eyes…

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Guess what diary? This girl has a date. Yeah, what do you think about that? It’s pretty freaking awesome, that what you think about that. Or at least you should, because it is.

broken heart, damaged heart

Photo by psychcentral.com

Well, maybe don’t get too excited, because I’m not sure just how excited I am yet. It’s kind of a blind date. And I don’t mean that my date is blind. At least I don’t think he is, I didn’t actually ask to make sure. But that’s kind of what I thought at first. It was my great aunt’s idea. She said one of her girlfriend’s from the salon she likes has this wonderful grandson who’s around my age and single and blah blah blah. I don’t know all the details.

Apparently he’s a recent college graduate and is really tall. I like tall guys. They’re really useful because they can always reach the top shelves. And at the grocery store in the refrigerated section when stuff gets pushed back really far and you can’t quite reach it because you arms aren’t long enough and you don’t really want to take one off because you have no idea if you can actually reattach it or not and you really enjoy having both of your arms so you don’t want to find out you can’t put it back on if you take it off.

What we were talking about again? Oh, yeah, blind dates that can see, which is a totally misleading term by the way. But whatever.

I’m still kind of excited though. I mean, it’s still a date after all. It’s supposed to be pretty casual, like a movie and dinner or something kind of simple and cliché like that. At least that’s what I was told. And he’s picking me up in a few hours so I have to get ready, but I’m a little nervous and jittery. Maybe if I were a normal girl, I’d be texting my friends or something, asking about what to do with my hair and what I should wear and should I kiss him on the first date or not?

Instead I have you, and since I don’t expect you to be jumping up and down and squealing like I’ve seen girls do on tv, which is ridiculous by the way and I hope it never happens or I’ll forget my program and just eat you. But enough talk about violence for now, I’m going to go get ready for tall, dark and hopefully dead. Wish me luck. I’ll dish on the details later, don’t get bit.

Creepy Children Shouldn’t Be Zombies

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Maybe it’s just me, but I really took notice of the child zombies in “Walking Dead.” I have no idea why they stuck out so much to me, maybe it’s because I have a little sister, maybe it’s because they were just kind of short. Or maybe it’s because children are just naturally a little creepy.

Creepy child with bearSeriously, think about it. They start out as a parasite, feeding off of the mother until it’s born like some kind of alien. As you can tell, I’ve never had children. And then they don’t talk; they just stare atyou with big eyes and make sounds, like they’re speaking some kind of foreign language that no one else in the world knows, except maybe other babies.

I bet they’re actually planning a world takeover. In all that baby gibberish they use and stuff. Probably use those toy phones that aren’t connected to anything and talk to you and sometimes just ring randomly. Children’s toys are bizarre.

I stayed at my grandma’s house and my cousin lives there with her two year old. Maybe she’s three now. I’m not sure. But she was this Elmo toy that talks. And it kept going off during the night. Mega freaky, even for me.Creepy little bloody girl with doll

Since children are just automatically creepy, I feel like they shouldn’t be allowed to be used as demons or monsters or whatever in horror movies and in television shows. They also should just be immune to the whole zombie thing because well, to be frank, little children zombies running around would just scare me silly, probably make my heart start beating again or something.

Just picture one of those little toddlers with the chubby little legs, curly hair all flying every where, big eyes and grabby little sticky fingers, lurching towards you with a big open mouth, drooling and talking nonsense. Gives me chills.

Now that I’ve started thinking about and picturing creepy zombie children running around, I’m a little disturbed. Keep your babies germ free please. I don’t want to share my undeadness with your sticky fingered children. Thanks so much. Keep your children away from zombies, me, and don’t get bit.

-Z