What the heck is a zombie?

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I was thinking maybe some of you folks needed a little zombie education. So here you go.

First things first, what exactly is a zombie? According to dictionary.com a zombie is either A) a drink made with several types of rum and citrus juice, and apricot liqueur or B) the body of a dead person that has been given the semblance of life. I believe it is safe to say we are talking about the second definition, who would really be afraid of a delicious sounding drink? Also, I’m not made of alcohol. And last I checked, alcohol probably can’t stage an invasion. Dead bodies though, some of them like eating people and probably can. Not just probably, I know they can. Which is what this is all about.

Now that we know what a zombie is, how can you tell who is a zombie and who is not a zombie? A few things to keep in mind, zombies do not talk. They might make groaning sounds but you won’t be striking up any kind of conversation with them at a party. But how do you know that guy across the room isn’t just shy or wasn’t interested in talking to you? Good question! Zombies move sort of funny, they don’t quite have the graceful dancer moves going on anymore. Zombies are rigid and move in more of a lurching manner, unless you go for the whole “28 Weeks Later” type of zombies, who run like maniacs, but that’s just silly, because zombies can’t run. Obviously, whoever thought of that was just being ridiculous. But the lurching movement is not to be mistaken with someone who is just really ungraceful and clumsy or a drunk kid trying to stumble home. Neither of those is a zombie. Zombies also don’t get drunk. I’ve not actually tested this theory, mind you, but I’m pretty sure the basic anatomy of it just isn’t right.

Now the main characteristic of a zombie is of course is that they are already dead. If you see a dead person walking around, well… ZOMBIE! It doesn’t get much simpler than that honestly. We should all be able to recognize those three warning characteristics. This is not an excuse to be all racist against zombies though. Just trying to be helpful.

I’m like that you know, helpful sometimes. Just keep that in mind and don’t get bit.

–Z

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