What the heck is a zombie?


I was thinking maybe some of you folks needed a little zombie education. So here you go.

First things first, what exactly is a zombie? According to dictionary.com a zombie is either A) a drink made with several types of rum and citrus juice, and apricot liqueur or B) the body of a dead person that has been given the semblance of life. I believe it is safe to say we are talking about the second definition, who would really be afraid of a delicious sounding drink? Also, I’m not made of alcohol. And last I checked, alcohol probably can’t stage an invasion. Dead bodies though, some of them like eating people and probably can. Not just probably, I know they can. Which is what this is all about.

Now that we know what a zombie is, how can you tell who is a zombie and who is not a zombie? A few things to keep in mind, zombies do not talk. They might make groaning sounds but you won’t be striking up any kind of conversation with them at a party. But how do you know that guy across the room isn’t just shy or wasn’t interested in talking to you? Good question! Zombies move sort of funny, they don’t quite have the graceful dancer moves going on anymore. Zombies are rigid and move in more of a lurching manner, unless you go for the whole “28 Weeks Later” type of zombies, who run like maniacs, but that’s just silly, because zombies can’t run. Obviously, whoever thought of that was just being ridiculous. But the lurching movement is not to be mistaken with someone who is just really ungraceful and clumsy or a drunk kid trying to stumble home. Neither of those is a zombie. Zombies also don’t get drunk. I’ve not actually tested this theory, mind you, but I’m pretty sure the basic anatomy of it just isn’t right.

Now the main characteristic of a zombie is of course is that they are already dead. If you see a dead person walking around, well… ZOMBIE! It doesn’t get much simpler than that honestly. We should all be able to recognize those three warning characteristics. This is not an excuse to be all racist against zombies though. Just trying to be helpful.

I’m like that you know, helpful sometimes. Just keep that in mind and don’t get bit.



College Towns And Zombie Invasions

zombie hand raised

Photo by keeyou.deviantart.com

Raise your hand if you know how a zombie invasion can start, i.e., the start of the zombie disease for lack of better word. Okay, now put your hands down. Why? Because there are numerous ways a zombie plague can be started.

Little towns are more susceptible to these outbreaks just because of the contained area and the limited amount of people. For example, a college town in the middle of nowhere, sort of like the school I went to. Just for a few minutes, pretend you live in a college town somewhere like this so you can get into the feel of things and follow along. Use your imaginations!

So you think a zombie invasion has begun in your otherwise sleepy little college town? Now how on earth did this happen then? Well, let’s take a moment and figure it out. This is definitely an issue because zombies are a nasty pest to try and get rid of.

zombies on campus

Photo by anthonyteacher.com

Take a look at the zombies that are roaming your town. Do you recognize them as people you know? Classmates, favorite bar tender, professor who’s class you typically skip in order to sleep in, maybe a roommate you would love to conveniently lock out one day? If no, these zombie’s are not people that you recognize, you need to go and check your closest graveyard. If dead people are coming out of the ground, then you have one of two things probably happening.

First, think back for a second. Have you or a friend happen to come across some sort of creepy old lady who may or may not have looked like a witch? Or just smelled sort of like smelly feet and brussell sprouts? Yeah, probably a witch. When she asked you for some sort of favor and you refused to do it because she was a smelly, creepy old lady you didn’t win any friends, am I right? She cursed you with a zombie plague. That’ll teach you for being a jerk.

You haven’t ticked off any witches lately? Okay, while hiking or possibly digging a hole to bury your old homework because you’re kind of on the weird side, and you came across some artifact. Maybe a skull, an old necklace made of animal bones, or what have you, and you took it home with you because it was cool and kind of a little edgy. I don’t know, you’re sort of strange, aren’t you? Well, because you brought that old thing you found home with you for whatever reason, I’m trying not to judge, but you know, it’s kind of weird, well because of that, you have removed some sort of item that was very important to whoever that item used to belong to. Once again, you’ve brought a curse upon yourself and the town. So not only are you a thief, you are also a jerk for screwing your fellow students over.

But if you recognize the zombies stalking around campus then you have a few different options of what might have happened to cause this. It’s possible that the grocery store received an order of tainted beer right before the weekend. That tainted beer contained some sort of toxin that has now mutated your fellow beer drinking college students into brain dead zombies.

Maybe it wasn’t your beloved beer though. Because really, drunk college kids kind of already look like zombies when they stumble home so it’s easy to be mistaken about that. A more reasonable theory, it’s the end of the world because an ancient civilization said so. Definitely a much more believable reason I’m sure.

how to become a zombie

Photo by animasubterra.wordpress.com

If you don’t buy any of that though, it’s possible that the beef being served in the dining halls is coming from a creepy little farm out in the middle of no where run by a crazy farmer who feeds his cattle all sorts of crazy things. They were infected with the zombie virus, and then killed and made into your tacos and hamburgers and you ate them in the dining hall and caught the zombie virus. That is totally a reason to be a vegetarian if I ever heard one.

Unless, now stay with me here, you live in a comic book world and everyone is actually already infected and just come back from the dead after they die, even if they aren’t bitten and it’s just happened and you don’t even know why. Or maybe that’s just “The Walking Dead.” Obviously, you don’t live in a comic book, even though that would be really cool.

So maybe it isn’t your fault that the invasion started. It could be but maybe it isn’t. Maybe. And maybe the invasion is started because of some other reason not listed here, it’s possible. Zombies are sort of unpredictable in that manner.

Think about it. Until next time, don’t get bit.


Zombie Invasion Raiding List


It’s happened! The zombie invasion has begun. So what do you do first? Go super-zombie killer on their living dead assesses and kill them again? Run away screaming and hide somewhere? No, of course not. At least not if you plan on surviving, which for the sake of this argument, you do. Because if you don’t want to survive and instead want to be eaten by zombies, just walk outside and stand there, easy-peasy.

Now that it’s been decided that you want to survive and not get eaten by zombies, what is the first thing you should do? Glad you asked. The first thing to do is find and stock up on supplies, this way you will be able to eat, drink, and do whatever while later on fighting off zombies and whatever else you decide to do.  When stocking up on supplies, you have to be smart about what you stock pile and what you don’t. Useless things that will waste your energy or other supplies or that will spoil within a few days should be used up as fast as possible.

When the invasion starts, first make sure to use up all the food you have that will spoil. Canned or dried foods that either have a long shelf life or almost never go bad should be left alone for now. It would not be advisable to use up all of your food and then go and try to find more. I mean, if you want to, go for it. But it would suck if you ate all your food and then you couldn’t find anymore. Then you’d be hungry. Being hungry just sucks.

Alright, so you now know not to use up food that will last a long time and to eat things that will go bad first. Now you are thinking to yourself, okay so how do I get more food? And whatever else you will eventually need? I have one word for you, Wal-Mart. That’s right, Wal-Mart! The best friend you didn’t know you had when preparing for the invasion! If you don’t have a Wal-Mart near you, you can go to whatever store you have nearby, that just is my go to. But for the sake of this article, pretend that’s the name of your store as well.

Walmart Zombies

Photo by vampguy.deviantart.com

So first things first, depending on when you are doing this supply shopping. If the Wal-Mart is still open and you are just working on your stock pile before everything goes crazy, then focus on buying canned goods, bottles of water, cereals and grains that are on sale, things that are on sale are always good. Sales make things cheaper and I hate having to pay lots of money for stuff.

If the time has come though that Wal-Mart, and other stores, have now closed because of the zombies, it is time to raid Wal-Mart. Stealing is of course a very bad thing and is in no way being promoted here, but raiding is different in times of zombie invasion. Now that we are going to raid the store, you can’t just go in all willy-nilly and just grab whatever you see. Then you might end up with a bunch of useless crap and that won’t help you survive. So don’t do that. First, make your shopping list, or in this case, your raiding list.

Raiding List

1. bottled water

2. canned goods/dry food goods

3. blankets/clothing

4. matches/lighters

5. candles

6. lighter fluid

7. sleeping bags

8. weaponry

9. medicines/first aid items

10. toiletries

11. batteries

Obviously your list doesn’t have to contain these exact items, you can add or subtract at your own discretion. This is just a general list of things that would be good to have in supply and are things you should be looking for while raiding Wal-Mart, or really any other store but Wal-Mart will for sure have these items.

Once you have your list, you are ready to go raiding. Get a cart, or two, these will obviously make collecting your items a lot easier and if needed, take them with you, you never know when you could use them again. If going in with one or more other people, make sure you all have a copy of the list so you know what you are looking for and then assign specific items for people to focus on. This will make things easier in the long run.

If you are going in alone, start with the side of the store where you will find can goods and dry foods. Then work your way over. Bottled water. Clothing. Medicine. Matches and batteries. Candles. Check the camping section for sleeping bags or other useful things you might need, such as a tent. Fishing poles could be useful, and if there are any crossbows in the hunting section, or other weapon, grab them and ammo. Make sure you can use these things before going out zombie hunting of course. Then grab toiletries, such as soaps, shampoos, things of that nature. It might seem silly but being clean is important. If you decide to skip showering and basic hygiene, you will smell like a stinky homeless guy on the bus or maybe be mistaken for a zombie yourself. Although I personally do not smell, thanks very much.

Make sure to avoid items like sodas and things that are not really going to do you any good. Video games and DVDs and other things might be tempting but leave those as well, you won’t be needing them and aren’t important to have in terms of survival. Also, avoid frozen foods unless you have a deep freeze that will last a long time, meats and fresh fruits and vegetables should also be avoided. Along with breads because these things will go bad in a short amount of time. You want to make sure you get things that will last you a long time and you want to get them the first time you go raiding. Just incase someone beats you back and takes things you might have needed if you ignored them the first time.

Raiding can be done multiple times, obviously. There is no exact way to do it, but by having an idea of what you are looking for, it can be a lot easier. So remember to grab what is useful and will last. Ignore things that are just luxuries! Also, do not share your raiding areas or tips with other people unless you live with them. Helping a stranger raid a store won’t help you. If they get turned into a zombie later on down the road, they won’t decide to not eat you because you helped them out. But when the invasion comes, just remember, Wal-Mart, for all your zombie invasion needs.

I think that’s all for now. I’ll write more of my zombie knowledge later. In the mean time, try not to get bit.