Zombie Flirting, It’s An Art Form

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In case you wanted to know, I think flirting is kind of hard. Why is it hard you ask. I’ll tell you why. It’s because everyone seems to think that flirting is something slightly different. Or they do it differently or respond in a different way. Why must it be so difficult? In grade school, if you throw rocks at a kid’s head on the playground or put glue in their hair in class, you like them. When you call them names, it’s not because you don’t like their booger breath, it’s because you think they’re kind of cute. See, little kids are totally on the right track with this. You like someone, throw a rock at them. Then you both know what’s up. Unless you are a bully. I guess that’s the only pitfall there, because sometimes you could think that it’s flirting and instead it’s just bullying I guess. But I feel like adults should just follow that example. Instead of whatever the heck it is they do now.

Oh, I totally forgot about those notes kids would pass, “Do you like me, check yes or no.” Dating was so simple as a child, am I right?confused zombie

Anyways, zombie flirting is a little different I think. At least from that of the normal people’s type of flirting. But I feel like we are more obvious about our flirting. We don’t try and play coy or anything. If we’re flirting with us, you’ll know.

1. If a zombie says, “I want your brains” they don’t mean they want to eat your brains. They mean they like your brains and think you’re cute. Or that they think you’d taste good. Which is totally a compliment coming from someone who eats people.

2. If a zombie leaves a hand or finger or an ear or something behind with you, they like you.  This is just a way of giving themselves an excuse to have to come and see you again or talk to you again. Like in a bar and they accidently drop an eye on the bar beside you and walk off, and then have to come back because they “forgot” it. It just means they wanted to strike up a conversation. Duh.

3. If a zombie sniffs you a lot, that means they like the way you smell. Which is a good thing. They’re into you if you get sniffed more than twice. It might not be extremely obvious sniffing, like it would be pretty creepy if some guy came up and stuck his nose in your hair or something, but still… You’ll probably notice.

4. If a zombie growls at you, that means they think you’re hot. It’s really simple. Some of us walking dead kids aren’t the greatest at speaking so a little growl works. Moaning and drooling is a bad sign that means you’re probably next on the menu. A growl is like the equivalent of “Hey, what’s up? Can I get your number or buy you a drink?” That sort of thing.

zombie coupleSee, zombie flirting is a simple art that I think you can figure out pretty easily. It’s you non zombie types that I can’t ever quite get a handle on. I say we should just reinstate the check yes or no notes for dating. Life and dating would be way easier that way. Think about it and don’t get bit.

Z

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Blind Dates Gone Bad and Cheap

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Seriously, worst blind date ever. I mean, I’m not even kidding about this. First of all, recent college graduate? The man was in his early forties, I don’t remember exactly how old. So maybe in the past few decades he was a recent college graduate, sure. I might be dead, but I’m not desperate. That’s for sure.

bad date

Photo by oldsweetsong.com

Second, besides just being way too old. He was balding and pretty gray, which just added to the whole feeling like I was dating my dad sort of feel going on there. I mean, awkward.

bugs in salad

Photo by pamelaho.wordpress.com

Also, just to add to his oldness and parental feel of the whole ordeal, he ordered for me. Even though I tried to order for myself, but he decided I should have a salad, which he ordered for me and a glass of some fancy but pretty bitter and gross red wine. I don’t remember the name of that either. In case you were wondering, I’ve decided to block out a lot of the date.

Really though, not letting me order for myself is just rude and kind of weird. Besides, why a salad? I’m dead, my diet isn’t really a big worry as far as I’m concerned. I should have just eaten him. What a weirdo. Ugh… And, he smelled really bizarre. Like, I get that I’m dead and stuff, but at least I don’t stink. I think he bathed in a bottle of some drug store cologne, he really went all out for this, I’m sure. One of his shoes had a hole in it too. Like I wouldn’t notice his mismatched sock sticking out? Hello, I have eyes.

bad date

Photo by inthecapital.streetwise.co

If he were blind maybe he’d have had an excuse. But he wasn’t, at least I’m pretty sure he wasn’t. The way he stared at each and every waitress that walked past the table. So rude, again. Like I wasn’t sitting there, wearing a cute new dress and I even did my make up and hair. Not that I wanted the old dude to be into me, I just figured he didn’t need to be so blatantly open about the whole thing.

After we finished dinner, and paid the check, fifty/fifty by the way, he didn’t leave a tip. At all. Not even a penny. Like, what the heck is wrong with this dude? Seriously. But whatever. I left after dinner, thankfully he wasn’t in the mood for a movie. Although he did have the audacity to ask for a second date, as if I enjoyed the first one? There was no conversation even. He just talked the whole time about his pet hamster, seriously. A hamster. What sort of adult man keeps a hamster? It’s weird.

Goodnight, diary. Don’t get bit.

-Z

Dead Girl’s Got a Blind Date, But I Think He Still Has Eyes…

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Guess what diary? This girl has a date. Yeah, what do you think about that? It’s pretty freaking awesome, that what you think about that. Or at least you should, because it is.

broken heart, damaged heart

Photo by psychcentral.com

Well, maybe don’t get too excited, because I’m not sure just how excited I am yet. It’s kind of a blind date. And I don’t mean that my date is blind. At least I don’t think he is, I didn’t actually ask to make sure. But that’s kind of what I thought at first. It was my great aunt’s idea. She said one of her girlfriend’s from the salon she likes has this wonderful grandson who’s around my age and single and blah blah blah. I don’t know all the details.

Apparently he’s a recent college graduate and is really tall. I like tall guys. They’re really useful because they can always reach the top shelves. And at the grocery store in the refrigerated section when stuff gets pushed back really far and you can’t quite reach it because you arms aren’t long enough and you don’t really want to take one off because you have no idea if you can actually reattach it or not and you really enjoy having both of your arms so you don’t want to find out you can’t put it back on if you take it off.

What we were talking about again? Oh, yeah, blind dates that can see, which is a totally misleading term by the way. But whatever.

I’m still kind of excited though. I mean, it’s still a date after all. It’s supposed to be pretty casual, like a movie and dinner or something kind of simple and cliché like that. At least that’s what I was told. And he’s picking me up in a few hours so I have to get ready, but I’m a little nervous and jittery. Maybe if I were a normal girl, I’d be texting my friends or something, asking about what to do with my hair and what I should wear and should I kiss him on the first date or not?

Instead I have you, and since I don’t expect you to be jumping up and down and squealing like I’ve seen girls do on tv, which is ridiculous by the way and I hope it never happens or I’ll forget my program and just eat you. But enough talk about violence for now, I’m going to go get ready for tall, dark and hopefully dead. Wish me luck. I’ll dish on the details later, don’t get bit.

Z’s Online Dating Profile Attempt

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So once again my therapist and I, Dr. Smiley, were talking about my social interactions or to be more precise, lack there of. He thinks I need to socialize more. I don’t see why. I’m perfectly content to talk to my cat and watch chick flicks and slasher films all day, maybe mix in some Plant vs Zombies and a little light reading or something as well.zombie making heart with hands

Dr. S says it will help my progress if I get out more. Kind of like in “Warm Bodies,” right? With R who comes back to life because of love. Or in this book I read, Generation Dead by Daniel Waters. This chick has a crush on a zombie and because she likes him it helps him be more life like. Maybe not the greatest synopsis but this isn’t a book review, we’re talking about my problems right now.

And my problem is that my shrink is obnoxious. And he wants me to go hang out at the mall or something and try and make friends. Brilliant. But that did give me an idea. Well, actually it was my great-aunt Ophelia’s idea. She’s like 80 going on 23 or something. She’s a bit odd. Besides the point though, she said I should check out an online dating site. Just a reminder, there are no zombie dating sites that I have been able to find. Let me know if you know of one though, I’d totally check it out. Just for kicks if nothing else.

Anyways, I decided to write up my online dating profile. It would go a little something like this I think:

zombie girl in a white shirt

My profile picture

Name: Z

Age: Undead

Height: 5’5

Body type: Corpse like

Occupation: Apocalypse bringer

Hair: Falling out

Eyes: The remaining one is sort of gray

Interests: Brains, eating people, cats, digging out of graves, ice cream

Have kids: No

Want kids: Don’t taste good

I’d also have some epic shots of some model that I can pretend to pass off as myself so I look nothing like myself. That’s what people do on those sites, right? I’m kind of camera shy anyways, and my mom hasn’t wanted to do a family picture in awhile, no idea why.

Maybe I’ll go google zombie dating services, see what I can come up with. Like I said, if you know of any, let me know. Dr. Smiley would be pleased that I’m “trying” to expand my social circle. Not that there is anything wrong with hanging out with my cat and my great-aunt all the time. Whatever.

Don’t get bit.

Z

Trials and Tribulations of Dating As a Zombie

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Photo by mingle2.com

Photo by mingle2.com

The trials and tribulations of being dead are kind of a high number if you tried to list them all. Because if you are like me, you try and list them but then forget something until you are attempting to do it and then are like, “Oh, I’m dead. This is way harder now. Or impossible.” It depends. And I’m guessing it might be different per zombie as well. I don’t know.

Just an update, I’m now six days clean. No slipping off the bandwagon for me. At least not yet. And I’m not all brains brains brains yet either. Also, I don’t drool. Becaue I bet you had that image in your head of a zombie drooling all open mouthed and talking about brains. That’s gross. Keep your spit inside your mouth please. Ugh…

Zombies in a heart

Photo By sodahead.com

Anyways, you know what I realized today? Dating while dead is really freaking difficult! It’s like, dating while alive is hard enough, right? But no. Try being a zombie and getting a date. This is worse than that stupid MTV show “Next” where you had to date like five people or something and they got money. I mean, getting money was probably a cool part but yeah… Not the rest of it. Now they have “Friendzone” or something like that. Who comes up with this stupid stuff anyways? Although I do enjoy “Catfish“, sneaky people on there.

zombie prom date

Photo by worth1000.com

But yeah, dating. It’s hard. Like, I go up to a cute guy and if he doesn’t instantly run away screaming because of the obvious, I’m dead in case you forgot and for some reason people have this ridiculous stereotype that zombies just automatically want to eat you. I mean, I might want to but it doesn’t mean I’m going to. I’m strictly non-human these days.

So if they don’t go running off like a prissy little scared girl who’s wet themselves, they are often just kind of rude. Yeah… Or they think it’s cool to make fun of the zombie girl. It’s not. Trust me. I could eat you after all, it’s supposedly in my nature.

My therapist says one day I’ll meet someone. Possibly. Well, he said it could happen. Just so everyone knows, Dr. Smiley is a single man in his fifties and from what I know, he lives with his mother still. And his mother dates, but he doesn’t.

Zombie Wedding Photo

Photo by zombieportraits.com

When I figure out how to date as a zombie, I’ll be back to let you know. For sure. Until then, I think I might develop a new show for MTV, something like “Zombiezoned” or “Date My Zombie”, something like that.

Until then, don’t get bit.

Z